Double Dipping

30 AUGUST 2008

DOUBLE DIPPING

You are from the Elysian Observer? Not that I care. Those two blokes came by here, not together, mind you, the one with the crown, his name was Arthur, oh, King Arthur! Sorry! Well, he came first, very gentlemanly, very polite, could I sharpen his sword, and how much would it come to?  Well, I said, this is worth a complete overhaul, pretty blunt at the tip. And I gave him an estimate – 20 Gulden, and if you want to pay in Marks or Shekels, that will be alright. You see, I get quite a few customers from the Middle Ages, and the occasional enquiry from some biblical warrior, and of course Central European fanatics will never let up.

Well, Arthur, sorry, King Arthur sat down, you see, I got a bench just the other side of the anvil, so the customers can watch, or even talk to me, if they feel like it, or they can read the Elysian Observer, I always leave a few copies about. So King Arthur made himself comfortable, he picked up a paper, but all he did was fan his face, well, fair enough, he was pretty close to the fire.

Now it’s not possible to have a continuous conversation, I mean, you’d have to shout over the noise of the hammering, so I just hammered King Arthur’s sword, now nearly white hot from the fire.  But, would you believe it, there was somebody shouting, standing in the doorway, shouting, well actually bellowing, and I stopped hammering to have a good look.

It was a bloke, well, actually, a bit of a dandy, and he fiddled with his sword, jabbing it in my direction, and he bellowed again: “Sharpen it! Now!” Would you believe it, I didn’t know what to do, because that dandy pranced about with his sword, coming closer and closer to me, until he could just about poke my chest, and he would have, but…but all of a sudden his sword dropped to the floor, and the dandy looked surprised, you know, mouth open, eyes staring, and then he worked out what had happened, Arthur, King Arthur, well my new friend Arthur, had knocked the dandy’s sword out of his grip.

But then the dandy shook his head and he said, no, he growled: “You dare …, you dare do that …, do that to …, Achilles of Sparta! Achilles … the hero of Troy!”

“Never heard of him,” said Arthur, “come again, you said you were from Troy or Sparta …Where is that? Must be the other side of Sherwood Forest.”

Now Achilles was shaking with fury and he stepped up close to Arthur and slapped his face.  But Arthur was no dummy; he kneed Achilles who stumbled to the floor. Achilles grabbed Arthur on the way down, so they both hit the dust.

“Careful!” I cried, “Don’t go near the fire!”

But the two kept slugging at each other heedlessly, so I tried to stand between them and the fire, and wouldn’t you know, I got too close and singed my overalls. You don’t know what overalls are? Oh, I forgot, your paper does not cover the 21st century.

Then I began to worry about my furniture and my instruments.  As you can see, I put a lot of work – and money – into fitting this place out.  This here is a roll-top desk from the 19th century, the TV is the latest model, and the table it stands on, well, would you believe, it’s the original round table from King Arthur’s time.

Talking about King Arthur, he was getting the worst of it; he lay on the floor, arms across his face to ward off Achilles’ savage slaps, Achilles sitting on Arthur’s chest as if in a saddle. But suddenly Achilles shrieked with pain and tumbled sideways. King Arthur raised himself on his elbows, grinned and declaimed: “The scrotum is vulnerable at all times!”

I could see Achilles setting his jaw, obviously planning a savage counter attack. I was loath to have this fight continue in my workshop.

“Stop it!” I cried. They both turned to face me, and they spoke nearly in unison:  “How dare you … a blacksmith … reprimand us … the aristocracy of Greece …
and of the British Isles!” And King Arthur and Achilles courteously bowed to each other.

“Excuse me!” I said, “While you are still on bowing terms, would you consider having posterity revere you as firm in friendship rather than as vain old fools?  I have pretty good contacts with the local writers, including the reporters from the
Elysian Observer.  They mightn’t write like Homer eulogizing Achilles or those Frenchmen who got excited about Arthur, I am sorry, King Arthur! So – shall there be peace between you of ancient Greece, and you of early Britain, and me of  … anything for a peaceful life?”

“It’s not heroic!” said Achilles.

“It’s not cavalier!” said King Arthur.

“But this is what we really want – since time immemorial!” said I.

Well, we got down to business. I fixed up their swords. They paid me … none of your business, but I am not complaining, and I showed them the best way to take to return to ancient Greece and medieval England, past the Library, and through the museum. And that’s where you saw them, just before they disguised themselves as stone statues.

Phone numbers? No, they didn’t leave any,